So, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and just stop thinking about starting a blog and actually start a blog. Now, I know a lot of people have the inevitable first post of why they decided to start a blog and all that jazz. I, on the other hand, will only give you one line about why I wanted to start a blog and that is: I honestly just like to write, man.
Okay, so now we’ve got that over with, I’ll give you a reason to want to read my first post. Today, I will be talking about suicide. I know hectic, right? But the only reason I decided to start out with this is because I actually want my readers to be alive and not reading this in limbo somewhere. I’ve recently read a book based on a suicide and it just stuck with me that sometimes people really need someone to remind them to stay although not just to remind them to stay but also to remind them WHY they have to stay.
There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity and that line should rarely be crossed.
I know there is this thing of you thinking that you’re taking a leap of faith or doing the right thing for you or whatever reason you feed yourself but don’t do it on account of being so hurt and blinded that you end up making a stupid mistake that is not even your decision to make. Don’t think for one second that you taking your life will only affect you because it won’t. It will affect the world, the people that surround you, your pets, even your goldfish. That man on the corner shop where you buy gum by everyday will wonder why you’re not coming around anymore, and when he gets wind of the news that you’re dead he’ll stand at the back of the church at your funeral with his baseball hat in his hands praying for the girl with the beautiful smile that brought him joy everyday at 3:30 when she bought gum by him. Your classmates will miss the silent girl who always sits in the back minding her own business with her head in a book, they’ll organise a memorial and let your name hang on their lips in silent wonder for the girl who was. That obnoxious jock who sits next to you in chemistry class is silently beating himself up because he thinks he is reason you offed yourself because he was constantly teasing you but the only reason he teased you is because he liked the way you rolled your eyes when he said something stupid or the way you snort when he got something wrong but mostly he feels liked he should have worked longer hours in his dad’s garage to get that tickets to the band you liked whose name you scribbled on a piece of paper and threw in the trash and once class was empty he dug it out, and ever since then, he has been working up the nerve to ask you out. The neighbour, whose dog you walk every now and then, misses your philosophical questions about life that leads to lengthy discussions about random ramblings that makes her ponder deep into the night and that once saved her from choosing to go down that deep end yet the irony doesn’t escape her. Your dog, Danny, who you got on your seventh birthday, still waits for you by the front door every afternoon waiting for you to come home from school and by your room door that is now permanently closed, nothing touched or moved, every night like clockwork because he used to curl by your feet on his blue blanky. Your friends who thought that you guys were inseparable have never known a harsher reality like being forced to grow up fast now because they now know the cruelty that is death that one of their best friends willingly struck a deal with. Your little sister who followed you around endlessly and mimicked everything that you did now sits lifelessly on the couch every afternoon because she is still too young to fully comprehend what it is that you did and why you would abandon her with a mom and dad that now walks mindlessly around the house often forgetting to feed the one child that still is here because they just can’t seem to forget the one that was here. Your little family who regulars the suicide support group but doesn’t understand what it does or how that will help because the void is still not filled and will never be filled. And you, your soul lost somewhere where no one knows, in a chasm of nothingness. Now, ask yourself is this what you wanted? Is this what you want? To leave everyone in tatters because you thought you didn’t matter? Who are you to make that decision for them? Let me tell you something; being brave is clocking out when the time is right, being brave is sticking it out on this earth because you have a purpose and you need to fulfil it and not give it up. Being brave is sticking it out because you are of value to someone, something precious to another. Being brave is knowing that you have stay even if your mind beckons you to go. Being brave is knowing that your heart never wants what you mind tells you to do. Being brave is sticking around BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS YOU MORE THAN YOU NEED YOURSELF. BEING BRAVE IS KNOWING THAT YOUR VOID CAN NEVER BE FILLED, BEING BRAVE IS KNOWING THAT YOU MATTER AND THAT SOMEONE CARES. NOW, TELL ME ARE YOU STILL WILLING TO CROSS THAT LINE OVER INTO STUPIDITY?